Hello Southernistas! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Hard to believe that 2018 is almost over and 2019 is almost here! I know it’s been a while since I blogged but I just wanted to enjoy the holiday season. It was my plan to start 2019 off with a new blog but a few months ago this date popped in my mind and I couldn’t get away from it no matter how hard I tried. I knew it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to share with you why this date has special meaning. I hope as you read this you find encouragement, that it strengthens your walk with Jesus (if you have a relationship), that it leads you to a relationship with Jesus, and that it will help you to realize you are not alone.
2013 was not an easy year for me at all I was living in a one bedroom apartment and everyday I came home to an empty apartment was depressing. I always felt like I lived such a solitary life at that time. I remember waking up every morning with a feeling of hopelessness and I just didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling. These are not feelings that just suddenly came up I had been dealing with depression for years but it was now so crippling I could barely function. I remember going to church and feeling nothing, praying and feeling nothing, it seemed like I was just going through the motions of my life but I wasn’t living.
I was in a really bad car accident early in the year and thank God he brought me, my Mom, and my niece out alive. I was sued for an large sum of money I didn’t have and so I had to give a deposition and go back to the city the accident happened for a mediation and God was on my side and delivered me from that situation but I was still so sad. I spent that whole year putting on a mask while I sat at home and cried my heart out.
When December arrived I had had enough of this life and I had made the decision to end my life. I had really good reasons, at least to me, for taking this step. Life had just gotten so hard and although I have a loving family, a loving Church, and friends I felt so alone and isolated. I believed that if I died no one would miss me and my daughter is an adult now and she doesn’t need me. I’m single and over 40 and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried nothing was working out in my life. At that time these reasons seems valid. I remember wanting to talk to someone but couldn’t because there were no words there were only tears. I remember how abandoned I felt by God and that this was as good as it was going to get.
I remember getting up that Sunday so sad and getting ready for church. I remember the feeling of finality that Sunday and after church I felt like I was seeing everyone for the last time. I laughed, I smiled, I said my I love yous to my Pastor & my Assistant Pastor. I remember hugging everyone because I was saying good bye to them for one last time. When my mother dropped me at home I remember looking at her and thinking this is the last time I will see my her beautiful smiling face. I said good by to my daughter although she didn’t realize it at the time because again I had on the mask.
That evening I got out the bottle of pills I had and looked around my sad little apartment. Just when I was getting ready to take the pills I heard a voice and I know it was the voice of God and that voice spoke one word and that word was…LIVE! In that moment I knew that I wanted to live that I didn’t want to die that no matter how my life was it was still worth living. I begin to just sob my heart out and with every tear that fell I knew God was doing something inside. I don’t remember how long I stood there sobbing but I do remember after while flushing those pills down the toilet going on my knees and crying out to Jesus and He reached out to me and touched me and healed me.
Sometimes life gets so hard for us and it becomes unbearable but I encourage you who are reading this blog to seek help don’t try to go it alone like I did. Seeking help is not admitting you’re weak or that you don’t have a strong faith in God it means that you are strong enough to realize you can’t do it on your own. It means that you realize that how you are feeling is not how you want to fee. There is nothing wrong with getting professional help.
That was 5 years ago today and I am still single but in these 5 years I’ve learned how to be single, I moved back in with my Mom, and life is good! I think about all I would have missed if I had ignored God’s voice calling me to live and not die.
December 29, 2013 was suppose to be the day I died but it became the day I lived and I have never looked back.
Until next time Southernistas…LIVE!